Warning. This is very very long.

The Story of Noah I will say at the outset that, in my view, there is no doubt that the story of Noah and the flood is just that; a story. My, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, analysis is designed to highlight how preposterous the tale really is and to counter those that still claim the Bible to be the inerrant word of God.

For the vast majority of Christians and Jews, the magic of the Bible is found in the inspiration and comfort that they draw from it. My words are not aimed at them.

And so………….

Genesis 5.32. And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth. I think we can safely leave aside biblical ages as being somewhat fanciful.

6.1.6. And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, 6.2. That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose. Sons of God and daughters of men. This definition between the offspring of God and of men is repeated. A strange reference if the author didn’t believe that the sons of God were actually different from men. We must therefore assume that he did.

6.3 And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years. Noah would be the last to live until 900. In reality, 120 is still a highly unlikely age for people of that time, but perhaps the authors felt that their predecessors ate healthier.

6.4 There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bore children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. It’s a shame but this is probably not a reference to real giants but to ‘men of renown’.

6.5 And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6.6 And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. 6.7 And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. A problem here for all those who believe in a kind and loving God. Why destroy all life? If God is all-powerful and all-knowing, surely he could have merely willed man out of existence without all the fuss. I know you cant trust squirrels but what harm did they do?

6.8 But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD. 6.9 These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. 6.10 And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. 6.11 The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. 6.12 And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. Repetition of an earlier section, which is typical of the Bible. Such repetitions are usually different in style and emphasis and demonstrate that it was not written by a single author. If numerous authors are accepted, albeit possibly inspired by God, it is clearly feasible that errors occurred.

6.13 And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. 6.14 Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. 6.15 And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of:

(A cubit, being the length of the arm from elbow to fingertip, was different in various places in the region. 19 inches can be taken as an average.)

The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits 475 feet or 146 metres, the breadth of it fifty cubits 79 feet or 24.5 metres, and the height of it thirty cubits 47.5 feet or14.5 metres.

(This was a vessel almost certainly larger than any the author had ever seen. Its description was probably meant to be impressive, by its size and by giving exact measurements. Impressive or not, it was still clearly not big enough for its intended purpose.)

6.16 A window shalt thou make to the ark, A window, just one and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and three stories shalt thou make it. Three decks and one small window? The smell must have been quite something

6.17 And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. Destroy all flesh. Everything shall die. Everything? Really? Chill out dude. Overkill anyone? Possibly a temper tantrum? Someone needed a hug.

6.18 But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee. 6.19 And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Did Noah need this spelling out?

6.20 Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. 6.21 And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them. So, we have a good sized three decker by the standards of the day, but to hold two of every species and their food? Must have been a bit cramped

6.22 Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

7.1 And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation. 7.2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. 7.3 Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth. 7.4 For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.

(So Noah had just one week to gather 2 [or 7] of every species on earth. A tough job for 4 men and one of them 600 years old already and the three lads one hundred each. Even putting aside the trouble of loading predator and prey together, how did the animals get there from all around the earth in a week?)

7.5 And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him. 7.6 And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth. 7.7 And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood. 7.8 Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth, 7.9 There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.

(We’re back to 2 by 2. Another hint at more than one version of the story?)

7.10 And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth. 7.11 In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month Unusually and unnecessarily specific. Presumably to make it seem real, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.

(This seems a simple statement but it betrays the primitive world view of the authors, that a flat earth existed with fountains of water underneath and the heavens above, as in Gen 1.6-10.)

7.12 And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights. 7.13 In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark; 7.14 They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort

(The consensus conservative estimate of distinct species on earth today is 8.5 million! If the bible is ‘true’ and evolution is a myth, these must have existed in Noah’s time. That seems like a lot on one boat.)

7.15 And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life. 7.16 And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him 2 by 2 again and the LORD shut him in. 7.17 And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bore up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth. 7.18 And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters. 7.19 And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered. 7.20 Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.

(Even our most primitive of ancestors knew that mountains were higher than fifteen cubits. So, if we take this to mean that the tops of the mountains were covered by 15 cubits, [approx 24 feet, or 7 metres], the depth, taking Everest as a guide, was 8,855 metres above the previous sea level, across the whole world! Keep in mind that water finds its own level and a global flood would have a uniform depth)

7.21 And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: 7.22 All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died. Again, a bit rough considering God was only angry with mankind.

7.23 And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. 7.24 And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.

Genesis 8.1 And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;

(OK, so a wind dried up billions of tons of water across the whole earth. But wind is just air in motion, produced by the uneven heating of the earth's surface by the sun. For wind to dry up the water it must turn it to vapor and carry it away to be dropped as rain elsewhere. But where would the water be deposited in a global flood?)

8.2 The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained; 8.3 And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated. 8.4 And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat. 8.5 And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.

Hang on. The ark landed on Ararat in the seventh month, but the tops of the mountains were not seen for another three months?

8.6 And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made: 8.7 And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth. 8.8 Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground; 8.9 But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark. A little confusing, considering the ark had already come to rest and the tops of the mountains could be seen.

8.10 And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark; 8.11 And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf plucked off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth. 8.12 And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.

(So, they had been on the boat for 150 days. They landed but Noah waited another 40 days. Then he sent out a raven and waited 7 days. Then he sent a dove and waited 7 days and the dove came back with a leaf. Then he waited another 7 days and when the dove didn’t come back, only then did he know the water had gone. But the ark had already landed 61 days go! I don’t think he wanted his holiday to end. I bet the other passengers were really happy).

And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry. 8.14 And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.

(It took 40 days and nights to inundate the earth and up to 8 months for the earth to dry out. Sorry to be a little picky about physics here but where did the vast amount of water come from and to where did it go? The volume has been calculated as approx 4,525,000,000,000 cubic kilometres of water [See paper by Dr Marty Leipzig 09.02.99] )

And God spake unto Noah, saying, 8.16 Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee. 8.17 Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth. 8.18 And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him: 8.19 Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark. 8.20 And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. 8.21 And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. 8.22 While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. This change of heart just from smelling cooked meat? I guess we all love BBQ

9.1 And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth. 9.2 And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered. 9.3 Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

(Interesting. So despite earlier references to clean animals, Noah and his descendants could now eat every moving thing that liveth, not just the kosher ones?)

9.49.4 But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat. 9.5 And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man. 9.6 Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man. Considering there were only eight of them, all family, God’s words here might actually be addressing the author’s intended audience? Just a thought.

9.7 And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein. 9.8 And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying, 9.9 And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you; 9.10 And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth. 9.11 And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. 9.12 And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations: 9.13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. 9.14 And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: 9.15 And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. 9.16 And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.

(Ah, that’s nice. Who doesn’t love a rainbow? But hang on a minute. So, an omniscient God needed a rainbow as a reminder not to destroy all life on earth again? Why? In case he had a bad hair day and just lashed out, again? And if the rainbow is the mark of God’s covenant, are we to believe that there were no rainbows, no light refracted through raindrops, prior to this?)

9.17 And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth. 9.18 And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan. 9.19 These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread

(So, every human on earth is descended from Noah’s three sons, regardless of race. How does that work?)

9.20 And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: 9.21 And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. 9.22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. 9.23 And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. 9.24 And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. 9.25 And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. 9.26 And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant. 9.27 God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

(Now we have to talk about this. Poor old Noah, probably a little senile at 600 years old, was naked in his own tent. So what? I think what happened next was a bit harsh. The two good sons only knew Noah was drunk and naked because their brother told them and now he and all his descendants are cursed to be servants of servants, the lowest of the low? Leaving aside the author’s clear problem with nakedness, this might actually be a very poor way of justifying the oppression of the Canaanites by the author’s people, especially as new archaeological and paleo-biology evidence demonstrates no clear distinctions of race or even culture between the various inhabitants of the region in Old Testament times.)

And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years. 9.29 And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.

Summary and Conclusions

Unless we read it from a position of blind faith, there is so much wrong with the story of Noah that it is hard to know where to begin. A modern interpretation is that it evolved from a local legend or legends, from a time when the people affected had no real knowledge of a world greater than their own valley. The legend was at some point incorporated into the verbal history of the Jewish people and, when the various books of the Bible were being collected, it was included and perhaps enhanced to reinforce the relationship between God and his chosen people. As with other parts of the Bible, there does appear to be at least two competing versions here. Possibly different oral traditions melded together by the authors.

It is important to understand that to people of a less informed age, the story would not have seemed unusual. Creation legends and supposedly historical myths abound from every part of the world. Direct communication with God, or gods, was once commonly accepted. Even today, every race or group of humans, from the USA to Kalahari bushmen and Australian aboriginals still have their own creation stories. Even the more modern origin stories, such as how the USA came to be, are full of inaccuracies and often deliberate falsehoods. Because they are not designed to be ‘true’, they are meant to fulfill a purpose.

Many biblical stories may be taken as allegory and any clear falsehoods or internal inconsistencies can thereby be safely ignored. In this case, however, it does seem that by including very specific details the authors of Noah’s tale intended it to be taken literally. This clearly creates problems for any modern believer, graced as we are with greater knowledge of our world and with tools with which to test ideas and stories.

It doesn’t need a mathematician or a biologist to see that it would have been impossible for Noah and his family to collect representatives of every species that crawled, walked or flew, let alone gather them under one small roof in a week. And the work involved in throwing that much dung over the side every day doesn’t bear thinking about. Add to that the subsequent spread of animals to all parts of the earth and the whole story becomes silly.

If we suspend our cynicism and stretch the bounds of probability beyond breaking point we can perhaps accept Penguins and kangaroos, but I can’t help thinking that a species of bug, that lives solely by burrowing into eyeballs to lay eggs, only for the larvae to burrow their way out again leaving people blind, could safely have been allowed to drown.

Modern day creationists try to be clever and refer to the word ‘kind’ in the story. They say that there didn’t need to be two of every species, just two of every kind. For example, not two of every type of dog, just two ancestors of all dog-like creatures alive today. Unfortunately, this would still result in thousands of creatures. The sheer volume of the vast array of insect life alone would be impossible to manage.

The authors of Genesis believed that the world was flat and that it existed within a sphere of water. The early verses of Genesis describe God parting the waters above from those below with a firmament he called Heaven and that the waters under heaven were collected to let dry land appear. So heaven was directly above the earth and water existed above heaven and below the earth (according to the story this is where the 4.5 billion cubic kilometres of water came from). The problem is that even the most ardent monotheist must acknowledge that this is simply nonsense.

In summary then:

• An angry god had a problem with men and decided to wipe out all life on earth, with the exception of 2 of each kind.

• An impossibly old man builds a boat which was just not big enough.

• In one week he gathered together representatives of every animal on earth.

• Billions of cubic kilometres of water appeared from places that do not exist

• The whole world was covered with water 5.5 miles deeper than the initial sea level.

• God sent a wind and the water went back to the non-existent places it came from.

• After what must have been an indescribably horrible 7.5 months spent feeding and cleaning up after the representatives of up to 8.5 million species they came out into a cleansed world.

• Animals and men somehow managed to find food and to spread to every corner of the globe.

• The humans divided into races as diverse as Eskimos and Pygmies, Chinese and Zulus.

• This happened really quickly because the Bible makes it clear that, within the period of its writing, the middle east was occupied by Egyptians, Assyrians, Babylonians, Philistines etc. Remembering of course that the authors had no knowledge of the world beyond.

• And the family of Ham were cursed with slavery in perpetuity for the crime of seeing his Dad naked.

Of course, it could have all been achieved by miracle. But if we accept that ‘explanation’ we would then also need to ask why there is absolutely no evidence of the flood today? Creationists try to pretend that rock layers and the Grand Canyon are proof but these arguments are hardly convincing in the face of our modern knowledge of geology.

Finally, we need to place the flood in history. Using the calculations of Bishop Usher, accepted by believers in the unerring word of God as written in the bible, we are fortunate to have an accurate timeline.

The world was created in 4,004 BC and is currently only 6,021 years old, at time of writing. The flood happened when the world was 1656 years old. This means that the flood occurred 4,365 years ago.

The real problem with this can be shown best by an example. From a host of different sources, we know that the Pyramids of Giza were built between 2589 and 2504BC, that is about 4648 years ago. So, when the world was covered by the weight of 4.5 billion cubic kilometres of water to a depth of 5.5 miles, the pyramids were already 283 years old. It must have put maintenance back a bit and put the Pharaoh off his breakfast.

It is worth saying that we have Chinese documents from the same period recording the passing of a comet and there were societies as far afield as India and Ireland creating art, pottery and writing. But writing on stone because, presumably, paper would have been soggy.

In the final analysis it is clear that we can discount the literal truth of whole Noah tale and accept that it is simply an entertaining part of the wonderful creation myth of the Hebrew people.

If you wish to believe it to be entirely true that is, of course, your choice. But, unless you can disprove any of the facts given above that run contrary to the story, you can only support your belief by use of miracle. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence in order to be accepted. The rest of us are looking forward to reviewing your evidence.

Paul Davis-Cooke

8 April 2017